[About Me: Why I Came to Japan]
This year marks my third year living in Japan. Back home in Seattle, I worked as an engineer, but I had long admired Japanese culture and its quiet streets, which led me to take a job at an IT company in Tokyo.
I’m 6’1″ (185 cm) with a solid build. My personality is friendly, and growing up, discussing everything openly and directly was my “normal.” I can manage daily conversations in Japanese well enough, but to be honest, I still struggle to read complex nuances and subtle emotional cues.
[Meeting Her (Yumi)]
I met Yumi six months ago, in the spring, at a small casual party hosted by a coworker.
While everyone around us was boisterously having fun, she smiled gracefully, subtly asking people if they needed refills or serving food. I was instantly drawn to her thoughtful attentiveness and her soft smile when she spoke.
When I gathered the courage to talk to her, she told me she loved traveling abroad, and we had a fun conversation mixing her modest English with my limited Japanese. We exchanged contact info, and from there, our “Japanese-style dating” began.
We went to cafes or walked through parks almost every week. She always dressed in lovely, clean-cut outfits and genuinely listened to me speak. However, wondering if it might be unrefined to ask directly—like back home—“So, what are we?”, I found it hard to close the distance between us.
The turning point came a month into our relationship while walking through Asakusa at night. When I told her directly, “I really like you, Yumi, and I want to be with you as my exclusive partner,” her face turned bright red, and she said, “I’ve felt the same way the whole time.” In that moment, I realized the weight and sweet charm of the Japanese culture of kokuhaku (formal confession of love).
[Our First Night: Confusion and Discovery]
And tonight, she came to stay at my apartment for the first time.
We ate a home-cooked dinner, watched a movie while drinking wine, and created a nice atmosphere. But the moment we stepped into the bedroom, the cultural differences in how we were raised manifested in the biggest way.
What surprised me first was her sense regarding “room brightness.”
In my culture, it’s normal to leave warm indirect lighting on because you want to look at each other’s expressions and bodies clearly. But once in bed, she looked extremely shy, pulled gently on my shirt sleeve, and whispered softly into my ear, “Can we… turn off all the lights?” Her modesty in wanting complete darkness felt somewhat fresh and mysterious to me.
What confused me the most, though, was “how to read her reactions.”
Based on my experiences back home, getting direct verbal feedback like “I like this” or “do more of that” was the norm. But Yumi was very quiet. Her voice was delicate, and she didn’t show big expressions of emotion.
At first, I worried, “Am I doing something wrong? Is she not enjoying this?” and kept asking, “Are you okay? Does it hurt?” Each time, she gently answered, “I’m okay, it feels really good,” but she seemed a bit reserved, which made me anxious.
Then, halfway through, it suddenly hit me. She wasn’t expressing her feelings through words, but through “micro-signals from her body.”
Reading each other through the air, the mood, and the touch of skin, rather than putting everything into words—that was her, and Japan’s, style of communication, a realization I grasped at a visceral level in that moment.
Given the difference in our sizes (me at 6’1″ and her delicately built around 5’1″ / 155 cm), I was very careful with my pressure at first. But as I focused on our unspoken signals, I felt us connecting on a deeper level than I had ever experienced before.
[The Next Morning]
Afterward, in the pitch-black room, she buried her face in my chest and whispered, “I’ve never been cherished like this before… I’m so happy.” Hearing those words, I finally felt a deep sense of relief from the bottom of my heart.
While being open and discussing everything directly with words is important, tonight, in our most intimate moments, I feel I was taught the beauty of Japan’s delicate communication—the art of “sensing” a partner’s subtle gestures and breathing.
Tomorrow morning, I think I’ll surprise her with freshly brewed coffee and croissants from the local bakery she said she loved. Because I want to see that radiant smile of hers again.
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