You are interested in Japanese women.

You would like to date a Japanese woman.

You hope to have a Japanese girlfriend.

And if you meet the right person, perhaps one day you would like to
marry her and build a life together.

For foreign men who feel this way, Japanese dating culture can be
fascinating.

“Is it true that Japanese people formally confess their feelings
before becoming a couple?”

“Is the man expected to pay for dates?”

“Do Japanese couples spend Christmas together?”

“How do Japanese women feel about marrying foreign men?”

“Are dating apps common in Japan?”

These are all understandable questions.

But before looking for the answers, there is one very important thing
to understand:

There is no single type of woman called “the Japanese
woman.”

A woman in her twenties working in Tokyo may have very different
ideas about love and marriage from a woman in her thirties living in a
smaller city. A university student, a doctor, a business owner, an anime
fan, and a woman who has lived overseas may all think very differently
about relationships.

Simple stereotypes such as:

“Japanese women are shy.”

“Japanese women are submissive to men.”

“Japanese women love foreign men.”

can create serious misunderstandings.

Learning about Japanese culture is useful.

But Japanese culture is not a manual for “winning over” Japanese
women.

Culture is a map. The woman in front of you is the actual
destination.

Understanding that difference is the best place to begin.

Currency note: For the approximate currency
conversions in this article, US$1 is treated as roughly
¥150. Exchange rates change constantly, so all US dollar
figures should be understood only as rough equivalents.

---

Chapter
1: Japanese Dating Culture — From Meeting Someone to Becoming a
Couple

1.1 Do
Japanese People Today Still Want to Get Married?

First, it is better to abandon the idea that:

“Everyone in Japan wants to get married once they reach a certain
age.”

Attitudes toward marriage in Japan have been changing.

In a nationwide survey conducted in 2021, among unmarried people aged
18 to 34, about 84% of women and about 81% of
men said that they intended to marry someday.

So marriage is still something that many young unmarried Japanese
people want.

However, these percentages were lower than in previous surveys.

A more accurate way to describe modern Japan is:

Many people still want to marry, but society is gradually
moving away from the idea that everyone is naturally expected to
marry.

In 2024, there were about 490,000 marriages in
Japan.

The average age at first marriage was about 31 for
men and about 30 for women.

But these numbers should never be used to make assumptions about an
individual woman.

For example:

“She is 30, so she must be desperate to get married.”

That would be a mistake.

An average tells you about a population. It does not tell you what
one particular person wants.

Some Japanese women want to marry.

Some want a relationship but are not interested in marriage.

Some place greater importance on their careers.

Some want children.

Some do not.

Some would like to live abroad.

Others strongly prefer to remain in Japan.

So instead of guessing from her age or nationality,

ask the woman herself.

That is much more reliable.

---

1.2 What Is
Kokuhaku, the Japanese “Love Confession”?

Anyone researching dating in Japan will probably come across the
word:

告白 — kokuhaku

Literally, kokuhaku means “confession.”

However, in a romantic context, it does not mean
confessing a crime, a secret, or something shameful.

It means clearly telling someone that you have romantic feelings for
them.

One of the best-known expressions is:

好きです。付き合ってください。
Suki desu. Tsukiatte kudasai.

A natural English interpretation would be:

“I like you romantically. Would you like to be my
girlfriend?”

or:

“I have feelings for you. Would you like us to be in a
relationship?”

The Japanese word suki literally means “like,” but
in this context it can express romantic attraction.

The verb tsukiau can mean “to associate with
someone,” but in a romantic context it means to date someone as
a boyfriend or girlfriend.

So tsukiatte kudasai is not simply:

“Please spend time with me.”

It means something closer to:

“Please be in a romantic relationship with me.”

In some English-speaking cultures, two people may go on several dates
and later ask:

“Are we exclusive?”

“Are we officially together?”

In Japan, that clarification may sometimes happen through
kokuhaku around the beginning of the relationship.

Imagine that you have gone on three dates with a Japanese woman.

You may think:

“We’ve had three dates, so she is already my girlfriend.”

She may be thinking:

“He is a man I have been meeting and getting to know.”

The reverse is also possible.

This is why, if you are uncertain,

it is better to talk clearly about the
relationship.

However, do not turn kokuhaku into another stereotype.

Not every Japanese couple follows a formal script.

Some friends gradually become a couple.

Some people date repeatedly until the relationship becomes naturally
understood.

Adult relationships in particular may begin in less formal ways.

There is no universal Japanese rule such as:

“You must confess your feelings on the third
date.”

---

1.3 “Tsukiatte
Kudasai” Is Not a Marriage Proposal

To a foreigner, the phrase tsukiatte kudasai may sound
serious.

It is serious in the sense that you are asking for an official
romantic relationship.

But it does not mean:

“Will you marry me?”

A good English equivalent would be:

“Would you like to be my girlfriend?”

or:

“I’d like us to be in a relationship.”

It means:

“I would like us to start dating as an official
couple.”

It is also useful to understand the difference between:

好き — suki — to like / to have romantic feelings for
someone

and:

愛している — aishiteiru — to love someone deeply

Aishiteiru is a very strong expression in Japanese. It is
not necessarily used casually or frequently, especially at the beginning
of a relationship.

For this reason, suki can sound much more natural when a
relationship is just beginning.

If a foreign man uses extremely intense expressions of love shortly
after meeting a woman, she may wonder:

“You hardly know me yet. How can you already feel that strongly?”

The important thing is not using the most powerful romantic language
possible.

It is whether you are genuinely trying to understand who she
is.

---

1.4 What Is
Dating a Japanese Woman Actually Like?

A foreign man may wonder:

“Are there special rules for dating a Japanese woman?”

In most basic ways, dating in Japan is not radically different from
dating in many other countries.

People go to cafés.

They have lunch or dinner.

They watch movies.

They visit aquariums or museums.

They go shopping.

They walk through parks.

They enjoy seasonal events together.

In other words, ordinary dates.

Because public transportation is heavily used in Japanese cities,
train stations are very common meeting places.

For example:

“Let’s meet at Shinjuku Station at 1 p.m.”

or:

“Let’s meet at Shibuya Station at 6.”

would sound perfectly normal.

It is a good idea to arrive on time, especially when meeting someone
for the first time.

If you are going to be late, a simple message such as:

“I’m sorry. It looks like I’ll be about ten minutes late.”

is enough.

You Do Not Need to
Be “Aggressively Foreign”

Some foreign men imagine:

“Japanese men are passive, so as a foreigner I should be much more
physically aggressive.”

That is a dangerous assumption.

Suddenly hugging someone.

Putting your arm around her waist without knowing whether she is
comfortable with it.

Trying to kiss her against her wishes.

Continuing to ask her out after she has clearly refused.

None of these behaviors are attractive simply because they come from
a foreign man.

If she does not want the contact, it is unwanted contact.

Whether the woman is Japanese or from anywhere else, physical
intimacy should respect her wishes and consent.

---

1.5 What Should You Do on
a First Date?

You do not need to reserve an expensive sushi restaurant or a luxury
hotel restaurant just because your date is Japanese.

Especially when meeting someone from a dating app for the first time,
a casual setting may actually be more comfortable.

For example:

Meet at a station in the afternoon.

Talk for an hour at a café.

If the conversation is going well, take a walk.

If you both want to continue, have dinner.

If not, end the date there.

That can be an excellent first date.

A useful way to think about the purpose of a first date is:

The goal is not to amaze the other person. The goal is to
discover whether both of you would like to meet again.

You also do not need exotic conversation topics.

You can talk about work, hobbies, food, travel, music, movies, anime,
sports, what you do on your days off, or places where you have
lived.

Normal conversation is enough.

However, be careful with comments such as:

“I’ve always wanted a Japanese girlfriend.”

or:

“Japanese women are the cutest women in the world.”

You may intend them as compliments.

But she may hear:

“Does he actually like me, or does he simply like the
category ‘Japanese women’?”

Loving Japan and loving one particular Japanese woman are not the
same thing.

---

1.6 Who Pays for a Date in
Japan?

There is no single answer.

Some men pay the full bill.

Some couples split it, but the man pays a little more.

Some couples divide the cost equally.

Students may handle dating expenses differently from
professionals.

People with different incomes may also handle them differently.

A first date and a relationship that has lasted several years may
work differently as well.

So there is no reliable rule that says:

“When dating a Japanese woman, the man must always pay for
everything.”

A natural approach would be to say:

“I’ll get this today.”

If she says:

“Thank you,”

you can pay.

If she says:

“No, I’d like to pay my share too,”

you can respect that.

The important thing is not to turn the bill into a test of her
personality or romantic interest.

“She let me pay, so she must be selfish.”

“She wanted to split the bill, so she must not like me.”

Neither conclusion necessarily follows.

---

Chapter
2: Couple Culture in Japan — Valentine’s Day, Christmas, and
Anniversaries

2.1 Valentine’s Day and White
Day

Japanese Valentine’s Day developed somewhat differently from
Valentine’s traditions in many Western countries.

During the second half of the twentieth century, the custom became
widespread in Japan for:

women to give chocolate to men.

Chocolate given to a man for whom the woman has genuine romantic
feelings has traditionally been called:

本命チョコ — honmei choco

Honmei means something like “the person who is your real
romantic choice.”

So honmei choco is essentially:

romantic Valentine’s chocolate for someone you genuinely
like.

Another well-known term is:

義理チョコ — giri choco

The word giri refers to social obligation or duty.

Traditionally, giri choco meant chocolate given to
colleagues, acquaintances, or other people without romantic meaning.

But modern Valentine’s Day in Japan is much more diverse.

There is:

友チョコ — tomo choco, chocolate for friends.

自分チョコ — jibun choco, chocolate bought for
yourself.

People also buy chocolate for family members.

Couples may exchange gifts.

So:

“A Japanese woman gave me chocolate, therefore she is in love
with me”

is not a safe conclusion.

The meaning depends on who gave it to you, your relationship, and how
it was given.

About one month later, on March 14, Japan has:

White Day

It is commonly known as a day when people give something back in
return for gifts received on Valentine’s Day.

The commercial customs that eventually developed into modern White
Day became visible around the late 1970s.

There are different claims about its exact origins, so it is better
not to declare that one specific company unquestionably “invented” White
Day.

Today, some people pay little or no attention to White Day.

But if your girlfriend gave you something on Valentine’s Day, you
might say:

“This is from me for White Day.”

and give her a small gift.

The important thing is not the price.

What matters is that you remembered what she did for
you.

---

2.2
Christmas in Japan Can Also Be a Romantic Event

One thing that sometimes surprises people from Christian-majority
societies is the Japanese approach to Christmas.

In Japan, Christmas is widely enjoyed not only as a religious
occasion, but also as a seasonal cultural event.

Cities are decorated with illuminations.

Some families eat Christmas cake.

People exchange presents.

And for some younger couples, Christmas Eve or Christmas Day can
become a romantic date.

They may visit a winter illumination, go to a slightly special
restaurant, or exchange gifts.

This does not mean that every Japanese couple celebrates Christmas
this way.

In contrast, New Year — Shōgatsu — often has particularly
strong family importance in Japan.

This can create interesting situations in international
relationships.

You may say:

“In my country, Christmas is when I want to be with my family.”

Your Japanese partner may say:

“For me, New Year is when I want to visit my family.”

Neither custom is more correct than the other.

A couple can create their own traditions by combining both
cultures.

---

2.3 How
Important Are Anniversaries to Japanese Couples?

Some Japanese couples place importance on dates such as the day they
officially started dating, birthdays, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and
White Day.

Some younger couples may also celebrate milestones such as:

“100 days since we started dating.”

But this is not a universal Japanese habit.

Some women enjoy celebrating many anniversaries.

Others care only about birthdays and perhaps the anniversary of the
relationship.

Others barely care about anniversaries at all.

There is a very easy solution:

Ask her, “Are anniversaries important to you?”

Sometimes ten seconds of conversation with your girlfriend gives you
a more accurate answer than hours of internet research about “Japanese
women.”

---

Chapter
3: Where Do People Meet Romantic Partners in Japan?

3.1 Gōkon
— Group Social Gatherings for Meeting People

When reading about Japanese dating culture, you may encounter:

合コン — gōkon

A gōkon is generally a group social gathering, often
involving a group of men and a group of women eating and drinking
together.

For example:

three men and three women meet at an izakaya, a casual
Japanese-style pub.

They introduce themselves.

They eat, drink, and talk.

If two people are interested in one another, they may exchange
contact information.

However, not everyone attending a gōkon is necessarily
searching seriously for a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Some may simply want to meet new people.

Others may have joined because a friend invited them.

And today, gōkon is only one of many ways to meet
someone.

Online dating has become increasingly important.

---

3.2 Dating
Apps — No Longer an Unusual Way to Meet

Dating apps have become an important part of modern dating in
Japan.

In a Japanese government web survey, among married respondents who
had married within roughly the previous five years, about 25% —
approximately one in four — said that they had met their spouse through
a matching app.

About 21% said they met through their workplace,
work-related connections, or a part-time job.

There is an important limitation here.

This does not mean:

“One quarter of all married couples in Japan met through
dating apps.”

The figure came from a specific web survey of married respondents,
including people who had married relatively recently.

A different nationwide survey, using different methods and
definitions, found that among relatively recently married couples,
around 14% had met through internet services such as
social networking services or matching apps.

Because the surveys used different methods and covered different
groups, their percentages should not be directly compared.

However, they do show one thing clearly:

Meeting online and later entering a serious relationship or
marriage is no longer an unusual phenomenon in Japan.

In Japan, the term matching app is widely used where
English speakers might say dating app.

---

3.3
Dating-App Experiences — Some People Succeed, Others Struggle

Publicly shared experiences show both sides of online dating in
Japan.

Some users have reported meeting long-term partners through apps such
as Pairs, one of Japan’s well-known dating and relationship apps.

Some also know other people who found serious partners that way.

At the same time, foreign men who speak Japanese well have described
experiences such as going on multiple dates but being suddenly ghosted,
or arranging a meeting only for the other person not to appear.

Individual stories are not statistics.

But they remind us of something important:

Being foreign does not automatically make dating easy, and
using an app does not automatically produce a relationship.

The app creates an opportunity to meet.

After that, you still need to build an ordinary human
relationship.

---

3.4
What Foreign Men Should Make Clear in Their Dating Profiles

If you are seriously looking for a relationship with a Japanese
woman, it can help to be reasonably clear about your life and
intentions.

Useful information may include:

• How long do you expect to stay in Japan?
• How well do you speak Japanese?
• What kind of work do you do?
• What are your hobbies?
• Are you looking for casual dates or a long-term relationship?
• How do you feel about marriage?
• Where would you like to live in the future?

For example, there is a major difference between:

“A man visiting Japan for two weeks”

and:

“A man who works in Japan and intends to build a long-term life
there.”

For a woman seriously considering marriage, that difference can
matter a great deal.

The goal is not to make yourself look better than you really are.

The goal is to be honest about what you are looking
for.

---

Chapter
4: From Dating to Marriage — Marriage Expectations, Konkatsu, and
Omiai

4.1
What Do Japanese Women Look for in a Marriage Partner?

This is probably one of the questions foreign men interested in
marriage care about most.

Nationwide survey data show that both men and women place
particularly strong importance on:

personality and character.

In other words, being foreign, tall, or fluent in Japanese does not
automatically make someone a good long-term partner.

Among young unmarried women who intended to marry, about
70% said that they placed importance on a potential
husband’s:

ability and attitude toward housework and
childcare.

Many women also placed importance on, or at least considered, whether
a partner would understand and support their own work.

This is a very important point for foreign men.

If you think:

“Japanese women will cook everything after marriage.”

“Housework is the wife’s responsibility.”

“As long as I earn money, I’ve done my part.”

your expectations may not fit those of many women in modern
Japan.

Of course, some women would like to become full-time homemakers.

Some couples prefer a family structure in which the husband earns
most of the income and the wife manages more of the household.

But it would be wrong to say:

“The wife naturally does the housework because that is
Japanese culture.”

The same nationwide survey found that the most commonly selected
ideal life course among women had shifted toward:

combining employment and raising children.

So if you are thinking seriously about marriage, saying:

“I’m romantic.”

may matter much less in the long term than being able to say:

“I cook.”

“I clean.”

“I intend to participate in childcare.”

“I respect my wife’s career.”

---

4.2
Japanese Men’s Views of Marriage Are Changing Too

Some foreign men imagine:

“If I simply behave differently from Japanese men, Japanese women
will prefer me.”

That is also too simplistic.

Japanese men’s attitudes toward marriage have changed as well.

In a 2021 nationwide survey, among young unmarried men who intended
to marry, around 48% said they either placed importance
on or took into consideration a woman’s economic situation when choosing
a marriage partner.

In the early 1990s, the comparable figure was only around
27%.

This is one sign of a longer-term shift.

The traditional model:

“the husband financially supports the entire family while the wife
stays home”

is no longer the only model of marriage in Japan.

Some couples prefer both partners working, sharing household
responsibilities, and raising children together.

So comparisons such as:

“Foreign men are passionate.”

“Japanese men are cold.”

are not particularly useful.

The more important question is:

What kind of partner are you as an individual?

---

4.3
Konkatsu — Actively Searching for a Marriage Partner

Japan has a well-known word:

婚活 — konkatsu

Konkatsu is short for:

結婚活動 — kekkon katsudō

literally, “marriage activities.”

A natural English translation would be:

marriage hunting

or:

actively searching for a marriage partner.

The term was modeled linguistically on expressions such as:

就活 — shūkatsu

which means “job hunting” or “job-search activities.”

Konkatsu can include:

• dating apps,
• professional matchmaking agencies,
• marriage-oriented parties,
• introductions through friends,
• local-government matchmaking programs,
• and omiai meetings.

The main difference from ordinary casual dating is that many
participants are:

looking for marriage from the beginning.

In a normal relationship, someone may say:

“Let’s date first. We can think about marriage several years from
now.”

In konkatsu, questions such as:

“Do you actually want to get married?”

“Do you want children?”

“Where would you like to live?”

“Do you plan to continue working after marriage?”

may appear relatively early.

For foreign men, additional practical questions may include:

• Are you planning to remain in Japan long term?
• Do you intend to return to your home country?
• Would you expect your wife to move abroad?
• Can you function in everyday life in Japanese?
• Is your employment and income reasonably stable?

If a woman asks these questions during marriage-oriented dating, do
not immediately think:

“This is not romantic.”

She may simply be trying to understand what married life with
you would realistically look like.

---

4.4
Omiai — Modern Matchmaking Is Not Simply “Parents Choosing Your
Wife”

Another important Japanese term is:

お見合い — omiai

Foreigners sometimes imagine omiai as:

“an old Japanese system where parents choose a spouse and force their
children to marry.”

Historically, families and intermediaries did play a major role in
arranging marriages.

But describing all modern omiai this way would be
inaccurate.

In today’s professional matchmaking services, the process may look
more like this:

You look at another person’s profile.

Both people agree that they would like to meet.

You meet in person.

Afterward, each person decides whether they would like to continue
seeing the other.

So:

you are being introduced to someone, not forced to marry
them.

Historically, arranged or matchmaking marriages were very common in
prewar Japan.

Romantic marriages increased significantly after the war, and by
around the late 1960s, marriages based on romantic
relationships had overtaken omiai marriages.

Today, omiai is best understood as one of several ways
people can look for a marriage partner.

---

4.5 What Real
Marriage-Hunting Experiences Show

Using a marriage agency does not guarantee that marriage will be
easy.

Publicly shared experiences include people who spent a long time
registered with major matchmaking services, met many potential partners,
but still did not marry.

Marriage hunting may involve costs such as:

• registration fees,
• monthly membership fees,
• clothing,
• transportation,
• dating expenses,
• professional profile photography,
• and, depending on the service, a success or marriage-completion
  fee.

So:

joining a matchmaking agency does not automatically produce a
husband or wife.

It may increase the number of people you can meet.

But compatibility still has to be built between two human beings.

---

Chapter
5: Foreign Men and Japanese Women — The Reality of International
Relationships and Marriage

5.1 Do Not
Blame Everything on “Cultural Differences”

In relationships between foreign men and Japanese women, one phrase
appears constantly:

“cultural differences.”

Cultural differences certainly exist.

But it is dangerous to explain every problem that way.

Imagine that your Japanese girlfriend rarely says:

“I love you.”

You might think:

“Japanese people don’t express love verbally.”

But perhaps that is not really a Japanese issue.

Maybe she personally does not like expressing affection through
words.

Another Japanese woman might say affectionate things very often.

In publicly shared accounts of international marriages, some people
have described Japanese partners or relatives who rarely express
affection through frequent hugging or declarations of love, but instead
show care by buying someone’s favorite food, bringing vegetables or food
to family members, or helping when someone is tired.

That can be a meaningful observation.

But it does not prove:

“Japanese people always express love through actions instead of
words.”

It is only one family’s experience.

The better lesson is:

You and your partner may experience and express love in
different ways.

That can happen in an international relationship, but it can also
happen between two people from the same country.

---

5.2
Practical Questions International Couples Should Discuss Early

Some issues that can be postponed in an ordinary relationship become
extremely important once an international couple begins thinking about
marriage.

Where Will You Live?

You may think:

“After marriage, of course she will move to my country.”

She may think:

“Even after marriage, of course we will live in Japan.”

If both people quietly assume different futures for several years,
this can become a major problem.

What Language Will You
Use in Daily Life?

Basic foreign-language skills may be enough for fun dates.

Marriage is different.

You may eventually need to discuss taxes, insurance, illness,
housing, employment, pregnancy and childbirth, childcare, schools,
elderly parents, and serious arguments between husband and wife.

Language differences that felt small while dating can become much
more important after marriage.

Do You Want Children?

Never assume:

“She is Japanese, so naturally she wants children.”

Some women want children.

Some do not.

People also have different ideas about how many children they might
want.

How Will You Divide
Housework and Childcare?

Cooking. Laundry. Cleaning. Shopping. Taking out the garbage.
Childcare.

Who will do what?

As discussed earlier, around 70% of young unmarried women intending
to marry said that a man’s attitude and ability regarding housework and
childcare mattered to them.

How Will You Manage Money?

Will you have joint accounts?

Will you keep most finances separate?

How will you divide the rent?

How much will each of you save?

Does either partner regularly send money to family members in another
country?

These may not sound romantic.

But they are important.

Loving someone and being able to build a life with someone
are not exactly the same thing.

That is why serious couples talk about these issues.

---

5.3
Is Marriage Between Foreign Men and Japanese Women Rare?

International marriage is a normal part of Japanese society, although
it remains a minority of all marriages.

In 2024, there were roughly 18,000 marriages in
Japan in which one spouse was a foreign national.

That represented roughly 4% of all marriages.

Among them, approximately:

12,000 involved a Japanese husband and a foreign
wife

and:

7,000 involved a Japanese wife and a foreign
husband.

So marriages between Japanese women and foreign men happen in
significant numbers every year.

At the same time, they are still a minority of marriages in Japan
overall.

Therefore, neither of these statements is accurate:

“International marriage is completely ordinary for everyone in
Japan.”

or:

“Marriage between Japanese women and foreign men is extremely
rare.”

There is another important limitation.

These are marriage statistics.

They do not tell us how many unmarried Japanese-foreign couples are
currently dating.

And international marriage does not automatically create
happiness.

Nor does an international marriage automatically fail because of
cultural differences.

Ultimately, couples still face the same fundamental questions:

• Can we trust one another?
• Can we communicate?
• Can we build a practical life together?
• Can we respect one another’s lives and goals?

---

Chapter
6: Getting Married in Japan — Weddings, Costs, and Building a Long-Term
Relationship

6.1
Legal Marriage and Having a Wedding Are Different Things

An important distinction for foreigners is:

being legally married and having a wedding ceremony are not
the same thing in Japan.

A couple does not need to hold an expensive wedding in order to
become legally married.

Legal marriage is established through the required civil
procedures.

A couple may choose not to have a wedding at all.

For international couples, the necessary documents and procedures may
vary depending on the foreign spouse’s nationality.

If you are actually preparing to marry, you should confirm the
current requirements with the relevant Japanese municipal office, and
when necessary, your embassy or consulate.

Japanese weddings themselves can take many forms.

For example:

• a Shinto-style ceremony, often held at a
  shrine,
• a chapel or Christian-style wedding,
• a jinzenshiki, or nonreligious ceremony in front of
  family and guests,
• a hotel wedding reception,
• a restaurant wedding,
• a small family-only wedding,
• a photo wedding,
• or no formal ceremony at all.

So there is no single rule saying:

“This is what a Japanese wedding must look
like.”

Another point that sometimes surprises foreigners is that Japanese
couples who are not practicing Christians may still choose a
chapel-style wedding.

For some people, it is primarily a wedding format or aesthetic style
rather than a declaration of religious faith.

---

6.2 How Much Does a
Wedding in Japan Cost?

In a large private wedding-trend survey of couples who held wedding
ceremonies and receptions, the average number of guests was roughly
50, while the combined average cost of the ceremony,
reception, and related wedding party was around:

¥3.4 million, or approximately US$23,000.

But this requires an important explanation.

It does not mean:

“You need ¥3.4 million to get married in Japan.”

The figure relates to people who chose to hold certain types of
weddings and receptions.

Some couples do not hold a wedding.

Some celebrate only with close family.

Some rent a restaurant.

Some only take professional wedding photographs.

Therefore, saying:

“Marriage in Japan costs about US$23,000”

would be misleading.

Marriage itself and the celebration surrounding marriage are
different things.

---

6.3
International Wedding Experiences — Costs Can Vary Enormously

Publicly shared experiences from foreign residents who planned
weddings in Japan show how widely costs can vary.

One person planning a small wedding of around 20 people in Kyoto with
a Japanese partner reported receiving estimates of around:

¥1.5 million, or approximately US$10,000.

The person felt that this seemed expensive for such a small number of
guests.

In another case, someone reported holding a wedding party at a French
bistro in Tokyo for around 35 people for approximately:

¥380,000, or about US$2,500,

including food and drinks.

Neither story represents the Japanese national average.

They are individual experiences.

But together they illustrate something important:

The cost of a Japanese wedding can vary dramatically
depending on the venue, style, services, and number of
guests.

International weddings may also have an additional challenge:

Her family may speak only Japanese.

Your family may speak only English or another language.

Possible solutions include:

• having bilingual announcements or an MC,
• translating menus and couple profiles,
• arranging the seating carefully,
• using an interpreter where necessary,
• or choosing a meal-centered party that makes interaction
  easier.

The goal does not have to be:

“Should we have a Japanese wedding or a foreign wedding?”

A better question may be:

“How can we create a wedding that allows both families to
feel included?”

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6.4
The Biggest Trap for Men Who Say, “I Want to Marry a Japanese
Woman”

This may sound contradictory.

But one of the biggest dangers for a foreign man who strongly wants
to date or marry a Japanese woman is:

wanting to marry “a Japanese woman” too much.

Think about it from the woman’s point of view.

A man tells her:

“I love Japanese women.”

At first, that may sound like a compliment.

But after a while, she may wonder:

“Would any Japanese woman be good enough for him? Does he
actually care that I am me?”

Suppose a man believes:

“Japanese women are submissive.”

“Japanese women will cook for me.”

“Japanese women know how to support their husbands.”

“Japanese women are cute and quiet.”

In that case, he may not actually be in love with the woman standing
in front of him.

He may be in love with:

an imaginary “Japanese woman” he created in his own
mind.

A real girlfriend may get angry.

She may disagree with you.

She may put her career first.

She may hate cooking.

She may have no interest in anime.

She may not speak English.

She may have no desire whatsoever to move to your country.

None of these things make her:

“not Japanese enough.”

They simply mean:

she is an individual human being.

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6.5
Seven Misconceptions Foreign Men Should Leave Behind

Misconception
1: “Japanese Women Like Foreign Men”

Some Japanese women are interested in foreign men.

Some are not.

Being foreign does not automatically make you a romantic
candidate.

Misconception
2: “Japanese Women Are Shy, So I Should Keep Pushing”

Being shy is not the same thing as giving consent.

If you do not understand her reaction, ask.

Misconception 3:
“The Man Always Pays for Dates”

Different people and couples handle dating expenses differently.

Misconception
4: “After a Few Dates, We Are Automatically a Couple”

Not necessarily.

Talking about the relationship can be important.

Misconception
5: “Without a Formal Kokuhaku, You Can Never Become a Couple”

Kokuhaku is a well-known part of Japanese dating culture,
but not every relationship follows exactly the same process.

Misconception
6: “Foreign Men Are Automatically More Attractive Than Japanese
Men”

There is no such rule.

Being foreign may initially make you interesting to someone.

But in a long-term relationship, factors such as character, personal
hygiene and presentation, conversation, trust, ability to manage adult
life, work, values, and plans for the future are much more
important.

Misconception
7: “A Japanese Woman Will Naturally Want to Live in Japan After
Marriage”

Some Japanese women want to live abroad.

Some strongly want to remain in Japan.

You cannot know without asking her.

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6.6
A Realistic Way to Build a Relationship With a Japanese Woman

So what should a foreign man do if he is seriously interested in a
Japanese woman?

The answer is actually not very exotic.

First, meet people.

That may happen through friends, shared hobbies, work, school,
events, dating apps, or marriage-oriented services.

Then talk to her normally.

Do not observe her as a mysterious example of “Japanese
femininity.”

Get to know her as one woman.

What does she enjoy?

What does she do for work?

What food does she like?

What does she do on weekends?

Does she enjoy traveling?

What kind of life would she like to have?

Learn these things gradually.

Then spend time together.

A café or a meal is enough for an early date.

If you meet several times and begin thinking:

“I want to spend more time with her,”

tell her how you feel.

A classic Japanese-style expression would be:

好きです。付き合ってください。
Suki desu. Tsukiatte kudasai.

In natural English:

“I really like you. I’d like us to be a couple. How do you
feel?”

You can also express it less formally.

For example:

“I’d really like us to start dating seriously. What do you
think?”

If the relationship becomes serious and marriage becomes a
possibility, talk about where you will live, what you will do about
work, whether you want children, how you will divide housework, how you
will manage money, what language you will use, and how both families
will fit into your lives.

If, after all of those conversations, you still want to share your
future together, marriage may be the next step.

By that point, the label:

“international marriage between a foreign man and a Japanese
woman”

should matter much less.

It is simply:

a marriage between you and her.

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Conclusion:
What Really Matters When Dating a Japanese Woman

                                                 
Learning about Japanese culture can be useful.

If you understand kokuhaku, you will understand why someone
might say:

“Suki desu. Tsukiatte kudasai.”

If you understand Valentine’s Day and White Day, you can enjoy
Japanese relationship traditions together.

If you understand Christmas in Japan, you can compare it with the
traditions of your own country and perhaps create new traditions as a
couple.

If you understand dating apps, you have more ways to meet people.

If you understand konkatsu, you can better understand how
people seriously search for marriage partners.

If you understand Japanese wedding customs, conversations with your
partner and her family may become easier.

But ultimately, what you need is not simply:

knowledge about Japanese culture.

What you really need is:

knowledge about her.

Instead of asking:

“What do Japanese women like?”

ask:

“What do you like?”

Instead of asking:

“At what age do Japanese women want to marry?”

ask:

“Do you want to get married someday?”

Instead of asking:

“Do men pay for dates in Japan?”

ask:

“Would you like me to get this today?”

Instead of asking:

“Do Japanese women want children?”

ask:

“How do you feel about having children?”

Instead of asking:

“Would a Japanese woman move abroad?”

ask:

“Where would you like to live in the future?”

Culture can help you begin a conversation.

But:

culture cannot answer for the woman sitting in front of
you.

The secret to building a happy relationship with a Japanese woman is
not memorizing a method for “getting Japanese women.”

It is understanding one woman as one human being.

Your Japanese does not have to be perfect.

You do not need to understand every part of Japanese culture.

You do not need to behave like a stereotypical “foreign man.”

What you need is to:

• listen to her,
• ask when you do not understand,
• respect her answers,
• be curious rather than judgmental about cultural differences,
• avoid forcing your own culture onto her,
• avoid assuming that “Japanese people are always like this,”
• and express your own feelings honestly.

Perhaps one day, the Japanese you use will be very simple:

「好きです。付き合ってください。」
“Suki desu. Tsukiatte kudasai.”
“I really like you. Would you like to be my girlfriend?”

And after spending many years together, perhaps there will be another
short sentence:

「結婚してください。」
“Kekkon shite kudasai.”
“Will you marry me?”

When that day comes, the most important thing is not being able to
say:

“I fell in love with you because you are a Japanese woman.”

It is being able to say:

“I fell in love with you because you are you.”